Excerpt from an email from Jennifer Singlarland Ryan, Ph.D., LPC-S at ichoosechange.com
Being in a long-term relationship with someone can be rage-inducing, angering, and maddening! I mean, yes, it’s blissful and joyous, too. Blah, blah, blah. Of course.
I used to wonder, “What do they mean, ‘marriage takes work.’ How do you work on your marriage?” 🤔
Twenty-six years, three kids, and lots of practice under my belt, I can now answer that question!
When we’re in the crux of a difficult situation with a loved one, our heads in two different places on seemingly minor issues (they usually are in hindsight, aren’t they?), it’s nice to have some easy tools we can reach for to not ultimately damage our relationship.
Here are five ways to fight fair when a difficult situation arises:
1. Honor who has the floor.
If a grievance is presented to you (“I don’t like it when you leave your wet towel on the floor,” “I didn’t like it when you ignored my request to unload the dishwasher,” and “You don’t ever ask me out on a date” are some good examples), honor your partner’s experience, even if you disagree with their issue.
Very important: feelings are universal; experiences are not. You may not understand the incident, but you can empathize with the feeling they have about that experience.
2. Feelings first, content second.
All conflict is a result of an unmet emotional need.
In conflict, your partner feels left out, rejected, lonely, ignored, sad, inadequate, or disrespected. Although the situation went down way different than your partner’s interpretation, you’ll only compound his grievance by discrediting their emotions.
Allowing your partner to feel what they need to feel about their perceived grievance will build a stronger connection between the two of you so you can begin to talk about the content of the grievance.
3. Validate feelings and thoughts.
Nothing is more unnerving than laying your heart and soul on the line, only to feel like you’re a big heap of irrational. Am I right?
It’s also not okay to take the stance of a fixer when all your partner needs is a little emotional validation (hello, nail in the head video).
Stay tuned into your partner’s experience so you can better understand their emotion.
4. Just observe / Be inquisitive.
The opposite of getting defensive is to simply listen and accept. And by “accepting” I don’t mean accept any accusation of wrongdoing. I’m asking that you take the perspective of your partner. Put on their glasses. See what this experience was like while standing in their shoes.
Lack of validation means you cannot merely observe and respect how your partner feels. You may not LIKE it, but you have to honor it (unless you want to have more arguments on your hands!).
Be an observer. Be inquisitive. You aren’t expected to be a mind reader, but you are expected to get curious.
5. Be the Audience.
This tip is about stepping back and observing your partner AND the argument from a different angle.
You’re the director, producer, set designer, technical director, and costume designer of your own life. What would happen if you sat in the audience of your own life play?
This is the best way to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
Dr. Jenn writes more about this concept in a blog post here Be the Audience: Examine Your Life From the Outside.